It was hard
by Dynamic Dame
Summary: It's hard to let go. It's hard to hold onto something that was never real. It's hard to move forward with your life when you dwell on the past, and all the things that could have been. Love, pain, regret, and sorrow. Just because it's worth it, doesn't mean it isn't hard.


It was hard watching him be happy.

Even though she knew it was a good thing, Star struggled with watching it every day. She desperately wanted something or someone to blame for her heart-ache, but the only person she could blame was herself. It wasn't anyone's fault that she developed feelings for Marco, and it wasn't Marco's fault for not reciprocating them. It was her who pushed him into the arms of Jackie to begin with— the girl Marco had been in love with from afar for years. It wasn't until he was in the arms of someone else did she realize that it was him who she wanted.

She and Marco were best friends, and that would always be the most important thing to her, but she couldn't help the small feelings that sprouted up over time that told her she wanted more. It was something that she didn't know how to cope with, especially when she had no excuse. Marco was in a happy relationship already with the girl of his dreams— it wasn't her place to ruin things for him.

It was a massive bitter pill to swallow, but Star did it every day for three months straight. She watched them grow as a couple and become closer, more affectionate, happier. Even though it tore her up inside like a tornado of straight edge razors, she did the same thing every day. She was the friend that Marco had before his relationship with Jackie, only now with painted smiled and pain behind her eyes.

There were times where Star wished that she could turn away from it all, and disappear into the night with her wand without a trace, but she knew she couldn't do that. She couldn't hurt Marco that way. He didn't deserve it.

There was no point in punishing him for something he wasn't even aware of doing, that would have only made two people suffer instead of just one. So Star stayed with him, right by his side every step of his journey as his loyal and most trusted friend. In a way, doing that made Star feel selfish. Every moment they were apart she berated herself and battled with herself, but she still wasn't able to comprehend why being his best friend wasn't enough.

Seeing him with Jackie didn't ease Star's pain in the slightest. For a while, she tried to convince herself that seeing them together would solidify the idea in her mind that she and Marco could never be together. She hoped that watching him be happy with another would somehow fill the void in her chest between her ribcage, but it only twisted her already strained soul.

Star tried her best to keep a lid on her emotions, but sometimes it would slip out in a sour comment or a look of spite. When that happened, Marco would raise an eyebrow or two, but say nothing.

Whether he realized her feelings or not, Star never knew; but if he did, she was grateful that he never once mentioned it to her. Every day she could wake up and look herself in the mirror, unmoving until she convinced herself that she wasn't in love with Marco Diaz— but if he asked her? She would crumble. He was the one person she couldn't lie to.

When she wasn't acting childish like a baby who had its toy taken from it, Star would catch herself staring at Marco and Jackie and disconnecting. She wanted so badly to be in Jackie's shoes, to play that role— but fantasizing only made her want Marco that much more.

Constantly torn between playing the role of the fool chasing a carrot on a stick or the pathetic girl who trails her love to the altar behind his bride, Star found her mind becoming more and more clouded. Star would lie awake at night until the stillness within her became unsettling, and then would take to walking around in n attempt to quiet her thoughts. Many times she sat alone up top the roof to watch the moon fade into vanishing and the sun take its place in the sky; and when she fell asleep on the shingled slant, she'd dream lucidly about her and Marco. She would dream about the two of them dancing at the blood-moon ball, and the old omen that said their souls would be forever bound to one another. That memory held hope that Star desperately wanted to cling on to.

Eventually, Star stopped sleeping on the roof. When she awoke from those dreams it would only make her heart ache more, and she had become so worn down. She was so tired of hurting. Star wanted something— anything, to stop the pain; and one day, it came to her.

When his face came into Star's mind, she was so sure she had figured him all out. He was nothing like Marco— or at least, that's what she assumed. But as she slowly let him back into her life one careful step at a time, Star realized that he was so much more than half-demon with a temper. Tom Lucitor was a mystery like a map left unfolded that she had previously only ever seen a corner to. They had dated in the past and their differences divided them, but that was years ago. Looking back, Star realized that she hadn't ever given Tom enough of a chance to prove himself to her. She was too quick to judge, too quick to give up and leave, unwilling or unable to see the situation with any perspective.

Tom was a beautifully dangerous cocktail, composed of one-third human, one-third demon, and one-third incredible. It was the last side that Star had failed to see the first time they ever tried to maintain a relationship, but now as they grew as people and matured, it was all Star could see.

The once angry, unstable and insecure boy was revolutionized into a person Star almost couldn't recognize. Tom was suddenly a young man who cared deeply, loved passionately, and was dedicated and motivated to improving himself every waking minute of his days. His fight to better himself was constantly ongoing, it was something Star got to witness himself try and succeed all the time. Watching him work so hard day in and day out inspired her more than she ever thought possible.

After a long day of self-reflection, Tom confessed to her in a moment of venerability his greatest fear; that he will never be good enough. He opened up to her about how he never wanted to stop growing as a person, he never wanted to stop fighting to be good, and how she was his biggest inspiration.

Swept off her feet at that moment, Star had kissed him. In that kiss was a sealed unspoken understanding between the two of them. Star wanted Tom to know that he was good, and Tom wanted Star to know that he was trying to be good for himself, but also be good enough for her. She was the reason he pushed himself so hard, and when Star realized that, it was hard for her not to fall in love with him.

Ever since that day, the hole in Stars heart slowly started to fill. It began to sting less and less when she saw Jackie and Marco together— and then seemingly overnight, it didn't hurt at all. Star felt as if she had taken a step back to see the entire picture in its frame, it was a picture of tranquility.

With Marco, it seemed like every day would have been a fight. A fight to break him and Jackie apart, a fight to maintain their friendship, a fight to get him to love her. Star hated the idea that being with the person she loved would be met with such resistance; when it came to Tom, everything was easy.

It was easy holding his hand, it was easy to cry on his shoulder. He made her feel better, and she loved him for that. Star loved the way Tom made her feel and the way he treated her, she loved the way he could ignite her life with a kiss or calm her with a single touch.

Eventually, Jackie and Marco broke up. Star never asked why, nor did she really care. She avoided the situation for a long time, wanting to be a friend to both Jackie and Marco. Time went by and Marco seemed to get over the breakup fairly well, but Star wasn't able to be there for him as much as she would have liked to be.

Around the same time, political scandal seemed to break out in Mewni over her relationship with Tom. Though they had dated in the past, no one ever took it seriously because the two of them were still so young— but now as Star was getting older it became more of a hot-button issue. The people of Mewni spread gossip like wildfire that the new King of Mewni was going to be none other than the prince of the underworld, while, simultaneously the same rumor broke out in the underworld as well.

It seemed like all of Stars time was getting stretched thinner and thinner, and the older she got, the less time she had to go around. She never meant to push her best friend off into obscurity, but every time she reached out to him, it seemed like Marco was hesitant to come around. Star couldn't figure out why, especially when the two of them used to be so close.

Their falling out wasn't abrupt or explosive, it was more like a fresh cut flower void of water; it wilted slowly and sadly.

As the political strain and social buzz were reaching its height, Star began to reach her breaking point. She loved Tom dearly, but she wasn't sure she was ready to commit to running one kingdom or another— she had no solution to the problem of one couple stretched between to lands or how to solve any of the problems that arose from their unity. It had been years since they first started dating, and the older she got the more people expected an answer from her, the future Queen.

All the pressure was beginning to put on her relationship with Tom, also. In the start Star had no idea that things would get so intertwined and confusing; she wasn't prepared for it. The people wanted an answer to the question of the future she would be obligated to provide for them, but Star wasn't sure of what to say. Tom tried to understand her and help her, but there were lines they just couldn't cross; conversations they just couldn't have. There was no way to separate their love and their political actions.

In the three months before her nineteenth birthday, Star took a break from everything. She left Mewni after a tearful mirror call with Tom, explaining that she just needed some time to think. The pain in his eyes was enough to kill her, but Star kept going onward. She knew she had to. She knew Tom would forgive her.

It wasn't just her future that was riding on her decision— it was Tom's, it was her family, it was all the people of Mewni and all the monsters of the underworld. Star knew that if she rushed into a big decision made out of fear or anxiety, she would let everyone she cared the most about down.

Returning to Earth as her getaway was an impulse choice. Star had nowhere else to go and nowhere else to turn to. She had run away to Earth once, she wasn't afraid to do it again.

To her surprise, even after her long absence, Star was greeted by the Diaz family with open arms. Mr. and Mrs. Diaz were like a second family to her— seeing them again after all those years made Star realize just how badly she had missed them both. Life on Earth was so simple, Star couldn't believe how easy it was to just— be. She sat and talked with them for hours, catching up and reminiscing on times of old, when suddenly the topic of Marco came up.

Now in college, Marco had moved out of the home some time ago to live in an apartment all his own close to the school.

It had been so long since Star had even heard his name, just the mention of it was enough to put her on edge. Her stomach turned at the idea of seeing him again; she was unsure if he would forgive her for leaving, for their falling out, or if he even still remembered or cared about her.

Mrs. Diaz scribbled his new address on a yellow sticky note and handed it to Star, she and her husband insisted that she went and visited their dear son.

Star was terrified but determined. She knew she owed Marco this much.

Star hesitated from knocking while standing outside the apartments door. She was certain she was in the right place, the numbers on the note matching those that hung on the pastel blue door front— but she still couldn't bring herself to knock. The idea of Marco hating her would push her over the edge; it was a reality she couldn't bring herself to face.

Star listened to a phone ring from somewhere inside the apartment. It rang once, then twice, then someone picked it up.

"Hello?"

Star leaned closer to the door as a voice spoke. It was deep and different from the boy she remembered, but she was certain it was him. He sounded just fine. He sounded happy. Star convinced herself as she pulled her ear away that he sounded like he didn't even remember her to begin with.

The idea of Marco on the other side of the door smiling into the phone warmed Star's heart, and though she didn't knock, it felt as if her visit had been fulfilled.

Turning to walk away, Star froze at the sound of footsteps running in her direction. In a moment of surprise, she looked over her shoulder just as the door behind her flung open.

Standing in the doorway was the aged face of the boy she had loved so madly so long ago.

Behind him in the blurred distance, a landline phone was hanging off the side of a coffee table, his mother still talking on the other end of the line. Star could hear Mrs. Diaz's muffled voice telling her son to clean up before 'she' arrived.

Star turned to Marco and opened her mouth to speak, but all her words fell flat. They stared at one another for a few frozen heartbeats before Star tried to speak again.

"Marco." As soon as his name left her lips, Star felt her heart breaking into a million pieces all over again.

Embarrassment flooded over her as her eyes began to well with tears that broke free and streamed down her face, but she was unable to stop them. All the suppressed emotion came rushing to the surface, and Star could only cover her mouth to stop a sob from escaping her.

In one seamless swift movement, Marco, now tall and fit and cheeks covered with stubble reached out and grabbed Star by her arm. Nearly sweeping her clear off her feet, Star was standing in his apartment in the clutch of his embrace with her back pressed against the now closed door in the blink of an eye.

With his one hand wrapped right around Star's waist and the other up her back so his fingers rested on the nape of her neck, Marco buried his head into her shoulder. Star felt a wetness seep through the sleeve of her dress as her childhood love cried onto her.

They slid downwards wrapped together in an entanglement, and Star could feel herself slipping away. She knew that she shouldn't have come to see him, She knew that coming to Earth was a bad idea, because now that they were together, it would be impossible for them to part again. The two of them had unfinished business.

Like a helpless pathetic doll, Star said nothing as Marco curled his arms around her, lifting her off the ground. Star never broke the gaze they held, but even still, she knew what was about to transpire. She knew where Marco was taking her, and she didn't fight it. She wanted it just as bad as him. She needed it.

It was a sin. It was a betrayal. It was a poison to them both— but they'd drink it together.

They didn't say a word to one another the entire time, they only uttered each other's names in soft breaths, even though they both had so much more to say.

 _'I'm so sorry I left you.'_ Star thought as she placed her hand on the side of Marco's face as he placed her down gently.

' _I'm so sorry I hurt you like this._ ' Sorrow and love flooded her chest as Marco kissed her softly.

 _'I'm so sorry that even this won't fix it.'_

As Marco crawled into bed with her, Star shut her eyes tightly, but even then tears escaped. The colour of sin and passion rained down onto them as they danced, it was the colour of love and hate; red.

Star loved Marco, and now it was clear that he loved her too, but even still— it wasn't enough. Although the love they made was more beautiful than anything Star had ever encountered before in her life, she couldn't help but cry. It wasn't that she was sad that she had come back to him, but rather that even after all was done and the sheets were settled, nothing would have changed.

And she was right.

In the darkness of the night when their breathing had calmed and the music that filled the air had stopped, the lingering understanding of what they had done began to weigh.

Marco sat upright at the end of his bed, a look of painful understanding in his sunken eyes. He pulled a pillow onto his exposed lap, and folded his hands neatly on top, unwilling to meet Stars gaze.

Star opened a portal back to her shared bedroom in Tom's castle, praying that Marco wouldn't say a word.

"Star?"

She flinched at her name leaving his lips, fearing what may come after.

Star turned to him, examining the look on his face. A smile, though small, bright, crossed Star's mouth. To her hearts relief, Marco smiled back. They didn't need to say anything. It was like they were thirteen again, reading each other's minds and breaking each other's hearts.

Marco didn't need to tell Star that he loved her, because she already knew. Star knew Marco wanted to tell her to stay, to forget Tom and Mewni and the kingdom— to close that portal for good and be with him; finally and truly be with him. Star knew that she didn't need to tell Marco that she always had loved him, and always will, but she needed to take responsibility for her actions. It was unspoken but understood between them.

Star had spent too long running away from what could have been with Marco, she never realized she had run herself into a situation she could now never outrun. She had left Marco behind, and nothing could really bring him back.

On Mewni, she had her kingdom, she had her family and her duties, her role as Queen, and Tom.

On Earth, she had everything she had always wanted. Marco Diaz.

It was too late for Star, and everyone around her knew that. She had made her choice in life, she had chosen the path she wished to follow— but that path was through the portal, and so, she stepped through it and closed it behind her.

The bedroom chamber that she shared with her long-term boyfriend was empty and dark, the perfect place for Star to sit with her head in her hands and cry.

She cried for the loss of the love she would never be able to retain, the love that was like fireworks in a lightning storm. Beautiful while it lasted, but temporary, like a rose. She cried for the fate of her life now, knowing that without Marco, no matter how happy she was made to be, it would never be enough. She cried for Tom who deserved nothing but love and respect for the man he had become but instead was given an unfaithful love who would never be able to feel the same way for him as he did for her. Star cried for her kingdom, and Tom's kingdom too, because now without the union of their marriage, the relation was surely doomed. She cried for all the people in her life she had let down, and how she would never know what could have been if things had worked out differently.

However, Star didn't cry for Marco. She smiled for him. She would not regret the choices she made tonight. Not now, not ever. Even if the kingdoms should crumble and Star be left to wither alone for the rest of her rotten life, she would think of Marco and smile. She would remember the night they shared together, and smile.

Standing back up, Star brushed the wrinkles from the skirt of her gown, flicked the tears away from beneath her eyes, and walked with her head held high out of the door of the bedroom. The hallway of the UnderWorlds castle was lit with skull torches but was vacant of any life. Star knew just where to find him, though. Whenever they fought or he needed to think, Tom would always go stand next to the old fireplace in what use to be his fathers' old study.

The roaring fire was the only thing that illuminated the otherwise darkened room. The only thing Star could make out was the basic outlines shapes of the books on the massive bookshelves that lined the walls, and the oak desk with the empty leather recliner.

In the middle of the room occupying the round embellished rug were two green wingback sofa chairs that faced the fire. One was for Star, the other housed a man who sipped dully on a glass of whiskey, the cubes rattling off the sides of the tumbler.

"Tom, I have something to tell you," Star stated bluntly, apologetic yet firm. "About this past trip to Earth."

"Sit down," Tom said in a tone Star hadn't heard in a very long time.

Star circled the chair to see him, but wouldn't sit. Tom looked a wreck, the red tie unknotted and hanging loosely around his neck, his eyes tired and bloodshot. He didn't take his eyes off the fire.

"Tom, I…" Star began, not knowing how to declare her actions without excusing her behavior.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?" Tom's tone soured. "I know what you've done." As the last word dropped from his mouth, he lifted his arm and smashed the tumbler into the fire that blazed on it's new found fuel.

Star choked back a sob that was brewing in her throat. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, Tom. I'll go."

Star stood to leave, but Tom quickly stood as well. He turned away from her, then back again, tears forming in his eyes as he shook, he hands closed into fists at his sides.

"Don't you get it?" Tom's voice crackled with inflections of pain and sadness. "Don't you understand how much I love you? You could never drive me away from you, Star. I don't know why I'm not enough, maybe I'll never be— but I won't stop trying, either."

"But Tom," Star protested, wishing he would just stop loving her altogether. She didn't deserve him. "I've ruined everything."

"I'll fix it." Tom suddenly sank down onto one knee, the shadows from the fire dancing behind him. "I'll fix it as many times over as you need. I will always be here for you, to put you back together when you fall apart. Please, Star."

Sick to her stomach, Star looked down at the boy she had hurt too many times to make right. At that moment, as Tom reached into the pocket of his dress pants and pulled out a small box, it seemed like time itself had stopped.

Star realized that no matter what she did, she just kept hurting those she cared about. She didn't know how to just be. All her life she was so focused on all the things she wanted for herself, she barely stopped to think about what other people needed from her. Then, as she closed her eyes at that moment, it came to her. Clarity, at last. It was like all the pieces finally fell into place. Marco needed to move on from her, find someone new and heal. Tom needed her to a wife, a queen, and a friend. Mewni and the UnderWorld needed a leader, a guide, and a protector. Her family, her friends, everyone was relying on her, and Star—- she would do the only thing she could do now. She would be the lamb to her own slaughter; the pawn to sacrifice to make the board balanced again.

Looking down onto the ring that Tom presented to her, she realized she could be all those things, but she couldn't be happy. And that was okay.

She and Tom married that Autumn, the UnderWorld, and Mewni became peaceful at last. Tom forced the infidelity into the untouched corners of their marriage, and quickly after they welcomed the news that Star would be bringing a new symbol of hope into the world— a true icon of unity; a bouncing baby boy.

The question of who the father could be was never spoken of, it was a topic Star didn't dare broach. Tom cared and loved the child without hesitance, even when others pointed out the failed comparison between father and son. The boy had blonde hair and blue eyes just like Star, but no third eye or horns. When people asked, Tom never flinched, insisting that he'd grow into his 'devilish ways'. Whether the child truly belonged to him was secondary, their son was the first ever alleged half-demon half-mewni baby, a manifestation of the peace his birth had brought to the world.

Three years later a second child was born. A girl with horns and strawberry-blonde silk hair that shone in the fires of hell. The family portrait was complete, and after the second child's birth, the suspect of fatherhood disappeared.

Six more years past, and Star received a letter from someone she thought she'd never hear from again. A wedding invitation from her dear friend Marco Diaz and his new fiancee.

Though she threw it away, Star found Tom reading it on the end of their bed. His face was full of emotions that Star couldn't read, but finally, when he smiled up at her, Star began to cry. She ran to her husband and cried in his arms, for she truly did not deserve him.

Four months later, Star put on her royal gown and wrangled her two children into their dress clothes as Tom opened the portal back to Earth. Letting their son and daughter slip by and jump through, Tom paused a moment and handed the scissors to Star, kissing her gently on the forehead with a knowing look before stepping in himself.

Star clutched the scissors close to her chest and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath as she stepped through, closing the portal behind her. With a shaky hand, she turned around and scanned the lovely outdoor venue for her family.

She spotted Tom in his black suit and red tie with a child in each arm. Their daughter had already muddied her white frilly socks and pastel pink dress, and their son was violently attempting to knock a tray from a waiters hands. He was talking to Mr and Mrs. Diaz, who was trying to get the attention to fawn over the two distracted kids. The last time they had seen them was in the hospital when they were born.

Suddenly, a hand placed on her shoulder.

"Star!" Marco instantly embraced her, then pulled away to hold her face in his hands. "Oh my God, how long has it been?"

"Too long." Star smiled forcefully, hoping that she looked like a best friend to the outside world and nothing more. "Marco, congratulations!"

"Thank you." Marco stuck his hands in his pockets. "I was so nervous, but after seeing you I feel much better. I won't be the center of attention with the Queen of Mewni and the UnderWorld here."

Star scoffed playfully. "Please. It's not your big day, it's the brides."

"Yeah," The tone of the conversation suddenly flipped. "I know."

Star hung her head and lowered her voice so that no one around her could hear her.

"You love her, right?"

Marco closed his eyes and let out a long sigh from his nose. "Yeah, I do."

"Well, I'm glad." Star lied, quickly brushing a tear away from her eye. "That's all I want for you, Marco." She finished with the truth.

Marco pulled Star in for another hug, one that lasted slightly too long— but not long enough for anyone else to notice. When he pulled away, Star could see his eyes were glazed with a wetness.

"I should go find Tom and the kids," Star said, at last, not wanting to look at him any longer. Her soul couldn't bear it. "I wish the best for you, Marco. I'll see you after the ceremony."

Star sat in the second row, just behind the immediate family of the bride and groom. She sat next to her husband and her two beloved children, and all the other people who were here to celebrate the marriage of Marco and his new wife. Star watched from her seat as the bride walked down the flower petal covered path to Marco, listened to them exchange their vows, and sat in silence as the minister asked if anyone dare object.

They kissed, champagne popped, and everyone cheered.

Everyone but Star.

As much as she wanted to cheer, Star could only hang her head and press her hand into her mouth to muffle her sobs. Through her tears she mustered a smile, that way everyone around here would think that she was just emotional for her best friend finding lifelong happiness; and she was, but there was more to it. The journey she and Marco had shared for nearly twenty-some years of her life had come to an end. She was relieved that now everything could finally move on, that this chapter of her life was closed, but still, even now she had to admit;

It was hard watching him be happy.


End file.
